Sometimes, I fucking sit here, and cry for hours, wishing I could just have the fucking strength and patience necessary to fucking kill myself. I hate living in this fucking house and dealing with these fucking people all the time. It drives me crazy to the point that I feel an overwhelming buildup of pressure in my chest, and it feels like my body is trying to choke me from the inside out, rather than the opposite way.
I want my fucking friends to leave me alone. I don't want to talk to anyone, and the people I do want to talk to don't have the time or patience necessary to talk to me, so I will just fucking sit here and wait until I become relevant enough. I don't want to fucking sit and laugh and pretend to be okay with the most skull-crushingly annoying people on the fucking planet, and I don't have the nerve left to just suck it up and deal with it, because you fucking assholes seriously get my blood boiling---every time you talk, every time I see you, and every time you are mentioned.
I wish I wasn't a fucking minor, because then I could get the fuck out of this house, and just pick up and move on. I have no fucking place to go so it's either I fucking sit at Occupy all night with no fucking tent to stay in because no one there knows or likes me, or I just fucking suck it up and home, each waking moment closer and closer to just plunging my knife into the nearest flesh I see.
I have nowhere to fucking go, but everywhere is fucking terrible. I wish it were summer, so I could sleep outside by myself, on the streets. Or that it were time for me to move. Or fuck, I wish ABSOLUTELY FUCKING ANYTHING would happen that would get me out of this pit of fucking evil that I call "home".
See before, it wasn't too fucking bad. But I literally have snapped and can handle no more. I'm tired of all these uninteresting awful people around me and I'm tired of having no one to go to or to turn to when I feel awful. I wish the people pretending would just stop, turn around, and leave me the fuck alone forever. I wish I had the courage necessary to go out and make something of myself, for myself, before I become nothing.
I need fucking job. NEED IT. I need it because if I don't get one by New Years, I WILL be living on the streets.
I wish I didn't think so badly all the time, but it's come to the point where I think of it all fucking day, every day. I have nowhere to go, no one to turn to, and unfortunately, the people that I care about don't have time for me or care about me. The people that I wish would just fucking disappear from my life have the annoying habit of just coming back, repeatedly. My parents have done nothing but hurt, slander, and put me down, and I literally cannot handle it anymore.
I wish I were dead. I wish I were dead. I wish I were dead. I wish I were dead. I wish I were dead. I wish I were dead. I wish I were dead. I wish I were dead. I wish I were dead. I wish I were dead. I wish I were dead. I wish I were dead. I wish I were dead. I wish I were dead. I wish I were dead. I wish I were dead. I wish I were dead. I wish I were dead. I wish I were dead.
i just read stupid articles by people i KNOW i wouldn't like in real life... and then thinking "i should read the comments, someone probably fuckin told her" you have a bunch of dimwitted morons agreeing or wanna-be trolls who FAIL trying to start shit but ending up getting all hot and bothered and then one or two okay comments that i must rec, for my own sanity.
i really really really don't think i'll be coming back to xanga, just creepin' on janee's stuff. and whoever else's i feel the need to.
It's my favorite fucking holiday. It really is. And this weekend was a fucking blast. So much partying and drugs and crazy shit and fun people and sexy costumes and sleepless nights and even Janee's birthday♥, all wrapped into one awesome weekend!
But why does today feel like shit?
Today is *actually* Halloween and this is the biggest bust I've had in years. It's true I partied in costume this weekend and chilled with friends, but I literally did the same thing that I do every weekend, except for seeing costumes and calling it our crazy Halloweekend. It wasn't different at all.
Everyone's been hitting me up today to hang out/deal/party but I don't want to do any of the three. I'm tired of greed and having to sell. And it's not that I'm tired of partying/chilling, because I'm not, but I have more expectations for today. I feel like if I go out with people like they want I'm just gonna end up fucked up which is normally okay but I just kinda wanted to do Halloween things today. I wouldn't mind being fucked but I would like to watch a scary movie, or tell ghost stories, or see the colors orange/black/red/green and see actual people in costumes, not just my girlfriends and I in sexy, borderline trashy costumes with our guy friends dressed normally and ogling us. (Btw, thanks Tim, for being literally the only guy who dressed up, it was kind of fucking awesome. Didn't expect any of them and then Tim was just totally down. :D)
It's fucking Halloween man.
Let's do some scary shit!!! Let's watch Halloween movies while we smoke joint after joint. Let's fucking go to a cemetary and chill and get drunk and frighten ourselves with stories.
Sigh. It's Halloween, and it doesn't feel like it. I want to do these things but now that I'm at the end of my post and reflecting on what I've been writing, I realize that if my friends saw this they'd say I was being so cute and just shrug it off. I don't think they'd pay any mind, and just assume I'd party with them our usual style since I said I'd be down to be fucked up. I also think that they'd think I was making too big of a deal out of this, and because I didn't want them to think I was mad or anything about this (which I'm not, I'm just kind of bored by the dullness of this Halloween and the regularity of our partying routine), I'd drop the subject and do whatever they want, probably not in costume, because it's going to snow later.